The guy making the assertion came from a church in another state that's full of seminary students, many of whom are newly married and with no money, often no kids, and students who are preparing for their careers rather than actually engaged in their careers. There was, in his opinion, great community there. And I don't disagree. I've experienced great "community" in the past as well that was similar to his experience.
Typically, what we call community, however, is nothing more than spending a lot of time together while debating the finer points of doctrine, theology, church, or the latest that some cultural or ministry talking-head has thrown out there. Now that's not an accusation against anyone in particular as much as it is an indictment of what life and faith have often been like for me. Its a lot of fun... but at some point life changes.
For example, many in Origins are either newlyweds or brand new parents...or both. Kids coming along is a total game-changer. Community especially changes when kids come along. While we used to go out to eat or have coffee or go do fun stuff at all hours of the day and night, now we are worried about our kids' schedules and whether they are at home on time, sticking with their sleep routine, and getting enough time with mom and dad. And its not that all of that makes community better or worse -- it just makes it different.
We have to be clear about our intentions. The goal of Christian community should always be to make disciples who make disciples. We can't be disciples or followers of Jesus alone; it must always happen in the context of a community of faith. The goal of community is to start Jesus-movements, Jesus-revolutions. This is the total opposite of community intended simply to make us feel liked or to fill our social calendar. Noah and Owen don't slow down my desire to be a follower of Jesus who wants to make more followers of Jesus, though they have changed our social life and schedule.
Kids force intentionality. We have to rethink what Christian community looks like once kids and careers come along. So as I have reflected on my friend's critique of Origins' community, I would say that Christian community must morph in the following ways to be authentic, God-honoring, and disciple- and movement-making:
- Christian community must be deeper not wider. Many think authentic community of faith is marked by "quantity time." This would include seeing each other a lot, doing a lot of things together, and having a lot of discussions. I think when life and kids force families to settle down that authentic community is marked by "quality time." Quality over quality. This means that we are intentional about our time together since we have less time together than before. No shallow chit-chat; let's get right to the heart of the Gospel and how it comes to bear on our lives, marriages, and families
- Christian community must adjust the "talking points." I think before kids and careers, our conversation often centers around doctrine, church, culture, and others in our group. Out of wisdom or sheer desperation, our conversation must shift, centering on talking life, marriage, parenting, and discipleship. We can't afford to be shallow and talk about others when our world has so much going on in it. Those committed to authentic Christian community when kids come along realize we have to get personal
- Christian community must be sacrificial. When kids come along, date night isn't forgotten -- its just tougher to make it happen. When there's time and energy, often there aren't funds. So authentic Christian community involves baby-sitter exchanges where I watch your kids then you watch mine so we can take our wives out on dates. That's also a sacrifice of convenience. Finally, its sacrificial with stuff. Our boys Noah and Owen would have almost no clothes without those shared with us by friends; so many of their toys came from others whose kids outgrew them; and even our son's bed was given to us by a young couple in Origins who sacrificed to buy it for us as a gift. When kids come along, Christian community must become more sacrificial
- Lastly, Christian community must be gracious and understanding. When I can't hear you say you're "all in" on community, I know you are if I can trust your heart. And sometimes that is enough. I remember the early days of Origins. People stayed over at our apartment late, talking and laughing into the wee hours of the night. That doesn't happen as often anymore. People have kids and need to get them in bed; and our boys sleep about as well as Buddy the Elf and have to be put in bed and have it pretty quiet. But we understand...and I pray our friends on the journey with us understand as well
If you're at that stage of life where kids are now in the family photos rather than those in your community group, who you used to spend so much time with, that's okay. Doesn't mean you are not committed to community. Life changes like the seasons, and we unlearn what we knew and relearn new normals. My kids need to see their mom and dad in real Christian community that is "deeper" (authentic, honest, intentional), personal and relevant, sacrificial, and gracious and understanding.
We don't bail on Christian community when little ones come along because we worship our kids or their schedules. Nor do we think Christian community stinks because we or those we're in community with have to change and adjust. Life moves forward. We grow and adjust. We choose to practice all those biblical "one another's": love one another, serve one another, share meals with one another, encourage one another, bless one another, pray for one another, challenge one another, and even rebuke one another when necessary. All because of love. All because we need Christian community and know that our kids need to see it as well. So be realistic, stay in the game, and fight for God-honoring, disciple-making Christian community.
