Red Letter Revolution: Jesus on Conflict and Reconciliation

For the past few weeks at Origins, we've been walking through a series called "Red Letter Revolution," modeled after the book by the same title by Shane Claiborne and Anthony Campolo. While Red Letter Revolution deals primarily with political and social issues, we've tried to narrow the conversation and deal with ground-level, day-to-day issues like marriage and divorce, parenting, loving other Christians, anger, judging, and more. And each week, we've examined only what Jesus, in the red letters, has to say on a given issue without watering down, jazzing up, adding to, or explaining away those teachings. This blog will be a second platform, this month, for sharing thoughts on some of the topics and teachings we won't get to in our Sunday Gatherings.

So concerning Jesus and conflict and reconciliation...

My family doesn't do conflict well. We probably never have. Growing up we believed that you grinned when offended and then either just got over it or shared your frustration with others, running the offender down behind his back, while never dealing with it. Our conflict style was represented well in The Big Bang Theory episode, "The Mommy Observation." While Sheldon Cooper is talking heatedly with his very Christian mom (who checks all the boxes for culture's stereotypes of evangelicals from Texas) about her sexual relationship with a friend, they're figuring out how to proceed in relationship, leading to this exchange:

Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.  

Mrs Cooper: That is very Christian of you. 

We took it a step further, usually condemning you to others. Like Sheldon, we were "very Christian." Surely, we reasoned, Jesus wouldn't want us to fight out our differences. Or does he? In Matthew 18:15-20 talks about how his followers ought to "do" conflict with one another.

15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.18 Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

That passage doesn't describe my comfort zone when it comes to conflict. My conflict style is one dangerously bad approach to handling broken relationships. I'd rather smile and bite the bullet, blame myself, swallow it, and move on. I "take one for the team." We endanger two people, however, when we choose this path -- the offender and ourselves. We endanger the offender because he walks away while a wrong goes unpunished. We endanger ourselves because sin is poison, and in swallowing another's sin and leaving it unresolved, we are absorbing poison. More on that in a moment.

A second bad approach to handling broken relationships between Christians involves speaking too much, or being too easily offended. Jesus says, "If your brother sins against you..." We must be careful to distinguish between sin and being inconvenienced or having our preferences disregarded. Sin is missing the mark against God, as it relates to worshiping him and living with one another in this world; inconvenience and being disregarded or disrespected are missing the mark against us. Sin is wronging the Lord; inconvenience and being disregarded or disrespected involve another wronging us. This bad approach chooses to nitpick and always be looking for a "tough conversation" where something forgettable and seemingly insignificant has to be addressed, dealt with, and resolved. When sin is clearly not the case, we need to grow thicker skin, forgive as we have been forgiven, and remember that we are not the ones who occupy the throne of the universe. 

So how do we do conflict, according to Jesus? 

• Decide if we have been sinned against by our brother or sister. Examine the situation and decide whether, intentionally or unintentionally, the offender has wronged God by wronging us. If you're not sure, go to Scripture and check your situation against what God calls sin. If the answer is no, we should ask the Holy Spirit to help us let it go, move on, and love as God has loved us in Christ.
• If we have been sinned against, without swallowing it and without telling another soul, we are to go to the offending brother or sister and let him or her know what has occurred. We don't need to build a coalition, and we don't need an ally to go with us. We just go. And we share honestly. If, like me, this feels unnatural, soak that situation in prayer and ask God's Spirit to fill you up before you go and address it.
• In the moment of confrontation, we state clearly what has happened. State. It. Clearly. "I want you to know I love you and care about you but you sinned against me when you _____, and I want us to make things right." After all, we are family; Jesus is talking about a brother (or sister) who sins against us. Don't minimize. Don't shoulder the blame that's not yours to shoulder. Don't be unclear. Mincing words only ushers in confusion rather than the healing that comes from repentance after feeling the sting of sin's effects.

Hopefully, this is Game Over. They repent. We forgive. We hug. Restoration occurs. We have "gained our brother" because in going through the awkwardness of biblical conflict we watch restoration occur between another person and God and between ourselves as family in Christ. 

But in the event that the person is defiant about sin or denies, negates, or further minimizes the hurt, Jesus gives us Step B in the process. 

• Take one or two others with you. Be careful who you invite into the process. Don't welcome into this holy moment of potential healing one who is divisive, rejoices in wrong, or has an axe to grind. Bring holy healers, followers of Jesus who love the Gospel so much that they want to see it embodied in the way we relate to each other. Bring a person who will pray during the conflict more than cheer for you.
• For the second time, we state clearly what has happened. State. It. Clearly. "I want you to know I love you and care about you but you sinned against me when you _____, and I want us to make things right." Continuing, "In fact, I brought _____ and _____ because I didn't get the impression last time that you understood the gravity of what's at stake here." Repeat: Don't minimize. Don't shoulder the blame that's not yours to shoulder. Don't be unclear. Don't mince words. 

Hopefully, this is now Game Over. Repentance. Forgiveness. Hugging. Restoration. We pray that in the presence of the one offended and a couple of others, healing occurs. 

But in the event that the person still refuses to change, to turn from sin to Christ, Jesus gives us Step C in the process. Steps A, B, and C would be what Jesus calls "church discipline." Sadly, however, many mistakenly think of church discipline as Step C. Further and even more tragically, many churches historically have moved too quickly to Step C without trying Steps A and B or after "attempting" Steps A and B in an unbiblical way. Its sheep pushing wandering sheep over the cliff rather than inviting back into the flock, into the Good Shepherd's protection.

Step C is like a funeral. In telling the church of sin and an unrepentant Christ-follower, the church grieves but surrenders the offender to the Lord, having attempted to do all they can to turn the believer back to Christ. In surrendering that person to the Lord and treating him or her as "a Gentile and a tax collector," we are acknowledging that God loves him or her, that God will have to draw him or her in love through conviction of sin, that we have done all we can, and that he or she is living and believing as one who is a "they." Ultimately the unrepentant believer has little in common with the church. Which demands that, as the church, we are walking in love and in step with the Spirit. Otherwise, our call to repent and surrendering the offender over to God has no "teeth."

We rarely do conflict and reconciliation God's way. Its easier and more justifying to do it our way. Character assassination and lobbing grenades from a distance are less messy than going one-on-one to the one who who sins against us. Yet conflict that honors Christ occurs this way.

So in a red-letter revolution, I want to vow to Christ to live differently. And I want to ask you to do so as well. Our lives and relationships would be so much less cluttered if we kept healthy accounts of loving, encouraging, praying for, challenging, serving, and blessing one another rather than constantly over-drafting and bankrupting relationships by doing conflict in a way that is displeasing to Jesus.